Yesterday was a rough day for me. I have had some chronic pain for the past 3 years and lately it has changed a bit from being consistent to inconsistent; which is quite nice actually. Except now when the pain resurfaces I find myself more frustrated then before simply because I continue to hope that it is gone forever. So, yesterday I was in a shit ton of pain; and after biking home in the wind I realized I had lost one of my most favorite pair of earrings... You know them if you see me on a regular basis, they are a bad ass pair of feathers. After scouring my clothing, the yard, gutter, and street in hopes of it being nearby I just settled on throwing a small tantrum about it. It included a few F bombs and some other ridiculous rants. I called my friend Lindsay to bitch about my "big" problem and she asked me this: "What is this really about? Because you are too rational of an individual to get upset about a feather."

This question was a catalyst to a bigger conversation. Obviously it wasn't the feather.

There are so many facets to this story, and this idea. It may be hard to articulate but I want to try because I think this is important for all of us to think about. All of this "stuff" is about a personal experience to a subjective life; and trying to make it linear is nearly impossible, because of personal interpretations.

There are a million and one different things going on at any given moment in time in our lives, and in our bodies. Some of us are dealing with life transition, some have chronic pain, some have grief... And in the case of these things, they tend to last longer then the temporary mood swing or typical rough day. For the sake of simplicity let's call these things {grief, chronic pain, and transition}, an obstruction.

The obstruction lies under the surface, constantly. It resides there at varying degrees taking our attention and pulling it away from other life things; and when the obstruction is at a larger display of itself, there is little hope of focus on the things we desire to focus on. It can heighten our compassion and frustration simultaneously and depending on how much willingness to have a healthy relationship with it can create the overall feeling.

So we attempt to make it linear, sometimes externalizing what makes it better and worse and how we are supposed to deal with it in accordance to how we have seen others deal with it.

First, the linear. "When I eat this food, this happens" (It may be true, but not necessarily). "If I don't have this relationship with this person, I will feel better". "When I exercise this way, it helps". Again, maybe true and may help, but still not fully grasping the issue. Especially if the issue lies within ourselves, which it often does. Not in the sense that we are making it worse, though we could be, but more that we could start trying to make peace with our discomfort rather then claiming what will externally fix it.

Then there is the victim / victor idea. The idea that this pain/discomfort will kill me or that I will conquer it and help others be delivered from the discomfort because I found way through my own discomfort.

Again. A personal experience to a subjective life. What works for others will not necessarily work for us. And there is much space to be explored between victim and victor because those ideas have more of a black and white tendency. The spectrum of obstruction is not so linear, black and white, or specific. It ebbs and flows back and forth through a myriad of emotions that also effects the state of our being.

So how the fuck do we find out way through this?! Because even writing about it the way that I am, I am acutely aware that my experience is different from yours and how you process the experiences of your life.

Getting to the deeper issue is important, and that takes facing ourselves and our habits.

All of the externalizing creates boundaries of control to help us feel more stable and like we actually have control over what is going on inside us that is often unexplainable to others. Extremes are protective layers. Attitudes are protective layers. Life habits are protective layers. And we sit in the middle of these things as the issue swirls around us.

The more that we can open up conversations about these extremely sensitive and vulnerable situations, the more we can listen to ourselves and others with out claiming what it is, or what it should be; and then we can have authenticity. The catch... this authenticity may not help the discomfort fuck all. The discomfort might still linger now, or for the rest of your life, but perhaps your relationship to it will be healthier. There is no wrong approach, there is only the discovery of your own life.

Stay tuned, there is more to this obviously.